winter

winter
WINTER

hair

hair
COIFFED

shoes

shoes
OBSESSION

INCOMPLETE

Man, have I had a rough couple weeks!  I wish I could come on here and announce some fabulous deal that I've been working on that warranted my absence, but it's quite the opposite!  If you guys have followed my YouTube channel for a while, then you already know the story behind my mother and I's relationship.  It was a strained one.  I won't go into detail because it's just not the right time.  I'm mentally and emotionally drained to the point where I'm switching moods literally every 5 minutes.  Yes, It's been 2 of the worst weeks of my life!

Long story short, after a VERY long time apart, my mother finally came back around and with some baggage.  She was sick.  Very sick.  This was in October 2015, just as I was recovering from my illness.  My grandmother, being the loving and openhearted person that she is, welcomed her back in like she'd just arrived back from a weekend trip, but in reality, it's been YEARS!  Realizing the severity of the situation, Dr's visits were immediately set up.  Tests were run and impatience grew with every passing minute.  The diagnosis?  It was Cancer.  Stage 4.  Incurable. 
My grandmother didn't accept that and neither did my mother.  She tried to fight it with chemo but to no avail.  I, on the other hand, was trying to balance the fact that she came back out of nowhere with all of my many emotional questions that I had.  Is this the time or place to try to get answers?  In my mind, it seemed "YES" but the unselfish side of me said "just give it time, Chanda.  You'll eventually get a chance to have this talk!"  But that never happened.  It will never happen.  The Dr's sent her home because there was nothing left they could do.  That was on February 10th 2016. March 5th 2016, God decided that he needed his child home.  He needed her to be pain free.  No more suffering, he said.
But wait!  What about all of the questions I had?  How could you leave me not knowing where you were?  Do you know you have grandchildren that asks about you?  What did I ever do to deserve this?  SO many questions left unanswered. So many mixed emotions.  God had a plan for his child!  He allowed her enough time to come back home and apologize to everyone in her own way.  Is it enough?  Right now, no.  But in time, it will be.  I don't have a choice.  Instead of standing and giving a few words at her funeral that was held this past Saturday, I decided to write them in a letter, sealed for only her.  I placed it in her casket at the end of her services to be cremated along with her.  Cremation was her wish.  Hopefully she will get those words I wrote and hopefully one day, I'll be at peace.
sweater + key chain/bag tassel: h&m | pants: jc penney | bag (old) + shoes (old): justfab
necklace: sassy jones boutique | earrings: body central (now closed) | lips: NYX copenhagen
My aunt asked me was there a color that I wanted to be worn at her home going and I stated that they could come as they pleased, but I'm wearing white.  Our relationship had so much wrong in it the last 10+ years that I couldn't bog down that day with a somber color.  I wanted something that looked nice and also could be worn again.  White was also her favorite color even though she said she didn't have one!
I didn't get a chance to say good bye before you took your last breath but I love you mom!

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